While it’s no mystery to the average person that tabloids are one of the most repulsive form of solids that human beings are capable of excreting, it seems that those who MAKE them live on a different plane of perception…

 

I was in a grocery store… I stopped absolutely dead in my tracks when I saw this…

 

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Turns out she wasn’t pregnant.

[gives you a second to feel very smug...]

I think what happened was this… (we’re going to drift into tabloid-vision now, and try to get in the writers’ heads) See, tabloids follow Katie Holmes very closely, because she’s the wife of Tom Cruise, and, together, they make a huge tabloid target. (funny word, “target”, but the tabloid people really do see people through the scope of a gun…) The internet tells me that she married Tom Cruise 2 years previous, and had a child just before that… so, there was obviously an extremely high probability that she was going to get pregnant again, probably making the InTouch people think that it was a good time to start placing bets… especially when they got that picture.

See, if it worked out, and she had actually been pregnant, InTouch would’ve later been able to say, “SEE??? And notice WE’RE the ones who broke that story… so you might wanna renew your subscription.”

And look at this: notice tiny Brad Pitt down at there, at the bottom… he’s got a REAL baby, but, for some reason, it isn’t nearly as important as Katie Holmes’ IMAGINARY one. (it seems that tabloid are more excited about the prospect of breaking something first than telling you things in order of importance. Though Brad Pitt DOES have other kids already, so…)
^Don’t worry, we don’t care enough about tabloid politics to have to think to the absolute bottom of this one. (although the people behind tabloids have always fascinated me to no end. Whenever I actually happen to find myself in a grocery store, my eyes are GLUED to the tabloids, as my mind goes right into their offices, and tries to understand their pitiful ways…)

My biggest question is if most of their “reliable informants” actually exist, or if the writers (or sociopaths who run the show) deliberately just sit there and make stuff up. (I’ve wondered if maybe the person on top at each company contacts the writers under aliases, and is the “reliable informant”… or if they just say to the writers, “I don’t wanna KNOW who your informants are, or how you know they’re reliable… just write, and don’t tell me about it.” Of course, this would weed out more honest writers, and leave only those willing to terrorize celebrities’ lives, and flat-out lie)

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Now, contrary to public knowledge, some claims in tabloids do turn out to be true… but, after you understand the high probability that Katie Holmes was going to get pregnant no matter WHAT, hopefully that doesn’t surprise you much.

I once saw a tabloid list all their claims that turned out to be true, from the year before… so, sure, maybe some of those were the cause of REAL leads… but I still wasn’t impressed at all, because, for one, there’s still that probability factor: see, if a tabloid makes 100 hard-to-believe claims in a year, isn’t there a good chance that enough will come true to make a small list? And the more obvious reason for not being impressed is that I simply find it more interesting to watch hot dog cart-vendors scrape the grease off their wheels.

Wait… I couldn’t resist:

(No, that’s not me… but, judging by the size of that lump, I’m fairly convinced he’s pregnant.)

Okay, this article is finished. There’s absolutely nothing more you need to see here.

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